Mixed kid problems

I have always had a very complicated relationship with my race. I am Japanese, Filipino, Hispanic, and Polish. I was also raised Jewish and I am a dual citizen with Canada. Ancestry.com has a hell of a time trying to figure me out. I have gotten many well-meaning but ultimately uncomfortable comments about the beauty of the diversity that I represent. While I am grateful to have so many communities available to me, being this mixed has always challenged me. With so many cultural backgrounds running through my veins, it has been difficult to fully resonate and identify with any.

Appearance-wise I look Japanese, leading people to believe that my cultural identity would reflect my Asian roots. While my mother speaks fluent Japanese and lived in Japan after college, much of this culture was not passed on to me or my sister. My friends who are “more” Japanese than me often find themselves having to explain cultural references. I visited Japan once but I was so young that I only remember Disneyland.

My grandparents came here from the Philippines. They spoke fluent Tagalog, but, other than that, did not pass many of their traditions down to their kids. When I think of my dad’s side of the family, I think of the suburbs of Chicago, not Manilla or Makati. While my grandmother’s entire family came from Spain, which is where my Hispanic side comes from, she never lived there because her family moved to the Philippines before she was born.

This leaves my Polish quarter. Growing up in a primarily white suburb in Los Angeles, going to Hebrew school as a kid, and attending the University of Southern California has all exposed me to this quarter more than any other. As a kid I was often called a “twinkie” or a “banana” because I was yellow on the outside but white on the inside. While no one meant any harm by these comments, they absolutely impacted my self-image and sense of self. How can I be one thing on the inside but something different on the outside? If I was so white on the inside, how come I was not white?

As much as I try, it sometimes feels like I will never truly “be” anything. I am too Asian to be white and too white to be Asian. I will always feel left out of the different traditions or cultural nuances. This inability to identify and resonate with my cultures has also instilled a sense of guilt. Each of my lineages have faced unique and historic struggles. It feels almost disrespectful or ungrateful to overlook my culture, as if I am ignoring the sacrifices that were made for me to be here today.

All of this being said, I truly do see the beauty and hope of my diversity. The fact that I exist and that I am alive is genuinely a miracle and a testament to human strength. The world is increasingly moving towards diversity, and it is likely that one day the majority of the population will be as mixed as me. I am still so young and have so much time to figure out my identity, and that is a journey that will be as fulfilling as it is challenging.